We are all repressed ugly, transgenders

2010-10-21T12:11:00.000-07:00

I am apparently a disturbingly, convincing ugly white trash man. I am not sure if the reason I was able to embody manliness is because of my deft bodily-movement-imitation practice as a dancer, my acting skills honed by teaching or that I am just closeted transgender. You decide.

As my character evolved into the evening, I became aware of my constant attention to acting pretty, holding my head high and jutting out my chin so my double chin does appear, relaxing my face so that wrinkles and awkward contortions don't offend, laughing and yawning like I was having an orgasm, having tall, chesty posture so that my tummy didn't poke out. And I let go of all of that. I should explain that I had in supposedly "movie-quality" bad teeth - 3 teeth bucked out and spread wide from each other with large gums. I had on a scraggly mullet, handle-bar mustache, big holey jeans, lumberjack boots, a sleeveless white-t and Van Helen, Cross and barbed wire tatts. But what seems to have been more convincing were the widely splayed legs as I sat, the one arm beating-the-imaginary-wall move to Guns and Roses, bow-legged strut and aggressive speech and gestures.

I acted out what for me in my mind is so stereotypically manly, specifically I wanted to act out a character that was on the inside homophobic, misogynistic, and close-minded, a man that never allowed himself to be a pussy and hated that in others. I was licensed to let go of my gender profiling and in that go against the voices and memories in my mind from the past that socialized me into femininity, ways that I was looked upon disgustingly by men and some women if I pushed that line. Last night, I went against all of that training and I got some very strong reactions. I am still thinking about several moments that were very telling. A very drunk man standing in front of me in line for the bar asked his friend after looking at me 'Is that a dude?' And my boyfriend asked that we didn't act like we were "together" as we were out in public and that I not try to kiss him. And finally as I jokingly hit on a male friend I could feel him squirm under my embracing arm. No woman was uncomfortable with me last night from what I could observe.

At one point, I finally took off my teeth, wig, mustache, and let my hair down. And I returned to my feminine postures and dance moves, legs and arms held close into the body, loosely revolving hips and chest. I felt relieved. There is so much power in acceptance as an attractive female that an ugly and trangendered person does not have. I highly recommend toying with this appearance that you constantly work to portray...but don't do it with your bf around. I am still afraid I have scarred him. I wonder if I would feel the same if he did something similar.

Spinning Pinwheel

We are all repressed ugly, transgenders